A Mother's Prayer by Tina Fey

I recently read and loved Bossypants by Tina Fey. Following is a particularly favorite excerpt...


A Mother's Prayer for Its Child by Tina Fey

"First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be beautiful but not damaged, for it’s the damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the beauty.

When the crystal meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half and stick with beer.

Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes and not have to wear high heels. What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the drums to the fiery rhythm of her own heart with the sinewy strength of her own arms, so she need not lie with drummers.

Grant her a rough patch from twelve to seventeen. Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, for childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – and adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back. “My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a mental note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.

Amen.”

It's a Hard Knock Life...

This is one rescued kitty that is lovin' his laid-back life.

Do you believe in...

A conversation between Emily, at age 10, and me on the afternoon of Easter.

<Emily snickers to her self>

Tammy: What's so funny?

Emily: <more snickers> Mom. I know you are the Easter bunny.

Tammy: What!? What makes you say that?

Emily: Well...because...one day I saw the Tangled movie in your car and today it showed up in Megan's Easter basket.

Tammy: <dumbfounded look>

Emily: I promise I won't tell Megan. Will you just tell me.

(The girl clearly caught me with my guard down and while I was emotionally drained because I said...)

Tammy: You better not tell Megan!

(proceeded by)

Tammy: <heavy sigh of defeat> Alright, yes. Dad and I are the Easter Bunny.

Emily: What about the tooth fairy. Are you the tooth fairy?

Tammy: Yes...we are the tooth fairy.

Emily: Okay. I'm okay with that. Just don't tell me you are Santa Claus.

Tammy: Alright, I won't.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the magic of the bunny ended. But we're still hanging out hope for Santa Claus (more on that here).

Kevin is a girl!

Mom & Dad's very own "Kevin" (from the movie Up). This is as close as I thought I could get inside the pool screen without frightening her away...she wasn't easily spooked.

The tooth fairy came, the tooth fairy came!

We've been anxiously awaiting Megan to have her first loose tooth. Being almost 6 1/2 and the dentist confirming it wouldn't be long, we'd occasionally do a check. It'd go something like,

Mom: "Let's check those teeth Meg."
Megan: "Any wiggle yet?"
Mom: "Nope, not yet."
Megan: "~heavy sigh~"

Finally a couple weeks ago we felt movement! She was so excited you'd think the tooth fairy was coming that night. She proceeded to diligently wiggle it. And wiggle and wiggle it. Until after a quick week, it came out while she was brushing her teeth. She couldn't wait to go to school to tell Mrs "E" and get her name put on the "tooth board" (apparently the "tooth board" is the kindergarten equivalent of having a Hollywood Star on Sunset Boulevard).



She then had lots of questions for Emily including, "Do you feel the tooth fairy under your pillow?" and "How much is a tooth worth?" and "Will I have a hole in my mouth forever?" Based on her own personal experience the answers are "no", "a dollar" (which was really a $2 bill but since there was only one of them and it was dark...like 1 in the morning dark...) and "to be determined."

Hard at work

The kitties enjoying a work at home day. Just to be clear, I am the one working, unless you consider counting birds and lizards work.

Another season comes to a close...

3,636. That is how many boxes of Girl Scout cookies have crossed the threshold of our garage as they've been distributed to Girl Scouts, neighbors, friends and cookie booths. All part of being a G.S. Cookie Mom.